a tough lesson for a kid or a grown up

This week has been a bit of an emotional roller-coaster for me.  I have not spoken a word with the friend that is struggling with some relationships, mine included.  I just started to think that maybe after months of avoiding me, she'd be open to a conversation but that all disappeared this week.  I was a basket case for a couple of days but now I feel like I can finally see clearly and have peace about it and I am sure it is because of people praying for me.  Also, it is funny how tough situations work for good sometimes because this particular issue has brought us closer as a family and has shown me so much about my son.  It really was a gift to get a glimpse of Kade's tender heart that hides behind the outer shelf of pre-teen's hormones so many times. :)

Anyway, it started when Kade sent a facebook message to this particular friend.  He did it all on his own, didn't ask or didn't let me know he did it. :)  Truthfully, I was not surprised one bit because he's been questioning me if we'll ever be friends again and why she seems so mad when he sees her.  I never went too far with it and tried to say that it is up to them if they are willing to talk and work on healing in our relationship.

So our Kade writes her this letter and the only reason I found out was because I got a really nasty message from my friend saying how completely inappropriate and disrespectful that was and for Kade to even bring it up.  He is a child and it is none of his business.  She went on about how I'm hiding behind Kade because I am too afraid to say things directly to her and on and on it went.  It crushed me that she would say those things, but at the same time I had tears of pride in my eyes reading the short message Kade sent.  It was the sweetest and most innocent letter he could have written and in those few lines he showed an adult so much about friendship.

I don't think it's inappropriate to share it on here so here is what he said minus the names: "Hi ----, this is Kade. I understand that you and my mom aren't friends anymore. Which is hard because everybody in our family likes your family. I have been praying hard that you and my mom would become friends again. So far it hasn't been working but I know sometime in the future our family's will become friends again. Please will you forgive my mom. My dad likes to hangout with ----, Kason likes to play with ----, Me and Anika like to catch frogs with ---- and---- and now all of that is gone. Please forgive my mom, and these are all my words. My mom didn't tell me to say this or anything. Hope we can be friends again, Kade"

Every time I read it brings tears to my eyes because even at 11 he could see something was wrong.  He is so worried about his little friends and my friend that he would go directly to her, an adult.  I think that takes some guts to do that.  It was a pretty tough lesson for him to learn and I think he's still struggling with why she wouldn't understand.  We told him what he did was the right thing and I told him that I know God had the biggest smile on His face watching Kade share his heart with an adult.

As for my friend, we exchanged a few e-mails and she said she is done for good and can never write or talk to me again.  It hurts when someone just does not want to try but I have to remember that she is not well and cannot rationalize or even understand how to work thru a tiny hick-up in a friendship. It makes it really hard because all my friends are her friends and have no idea what happened or what is going on.  How do you even explain it to someone?  Hopefully, they can see from my actions how much I really care about them and that I never take any of my friendships lightly.


     

Spring

The Spring came to us a bit early this year!  Just saying those words makes me nervous though because out here we could be looking at a big snow storm at the end of April.  But the last week or so, almost all the snow has melted away quickly and we have tried to enjoy as much time outside as we could. That is probably the most fun thing about living here in the tundra - you get to watch everything and everyone around you "wake up" and almost like you're feeling the warmth and sunshine for the first time.  Everyone was outside the past few days and yesterday we even sat out on the deck for a bit until the sun went down.  We never get weather like that at the beginning of March and it sure is a treat for us and something you do not want to waste.  I have been taking walks outside during my lunch break while listening to my pandora stations and I really enjoy that.  It makes me think of my walking buddy I had in the Cities where I worked, just how precious that time was for me. For now it's just me by myself but my new boss joins me sometimes and we have great talks about our kids, life, work and everything in between.  She is great and I feel very blessed to be working for her.

I of course was watching the weather forecast like a hawk two weeks ago because I was determined to go skiing with the kids one time this winter and with the warmer weather coming that was fast closing in on us.  Last weekend I just looked at the closest skiing hill's web site and saw they had a special cheaper rate that Sunday afternoon so I told Ehren it is our only chance this year.  So we did it!  We packed up the kids and Kade's friend and went for it. I was able to schedule a first lesson for Kason and Anika since they have never skied before and I don't think I'm any good at teaching it.  I was surprised at how well they both did, the weather was perfect and we all had such a good time. Ehren didn't ski this time because we didn't know how long Kason and Anika would last but they both skied until the end. Kason was a little cruiser and had absolutely no fear which really helped him figure it out quickly. I was wishing we had more time to keep going with him but for the first time ever it was enough time.  Kade and his friend were having fun too and were just cruising down the hills by themselves so I was glad they had each other while I skied with Kason and Ani.  Growing up, we went skiing almost every winter and I forget just how much it is a part of my childhood and how much I miss it.  It is definitely one of the few things in life that I miss dearly from my home country.  Now I just have to suck it up, freeze and go cross country skiing instead of downhill. :)  It is very different but I am learning to enjoy it and pretend I'm in the mountains.

Tonight we had a fun little group date with 2 of our couples friends.  We went bowling and out for ice cream. It was just lovely to get together, leave the kids home (and without a sitter!) and enjoy some time out with friends.  Another thing that made me think how we need more of it in our lives.  It is so easy to get busy with our stuff and just blow friends off because it's too much work to find a time that works for everyone.  But I am realizing that making the effort of organizing, inviting people and doing stuff with them is so worth it.  One of those friends tonight just found out yesterday that the cancer she battled years ago is back.  It should be treatable but it is still a huge turmoil of emotions and why's.  I am the first one to admit that I always feel like I don't have the right words to say to the people around me, the right words to encourage or lift their spirits.  But sometimes you don't need words. Sometimes just being there is enough, being a friend and do normal things like a bowling date. Because none of us know how much time we have left here.      

winter blabbering

I got a writer's block. :) There is the time factor too but also, I'm in a bit of a haze lately and like I'm not all there. :)  I blame the Minnesotan winter, even though our weather has been so much milder than usual.  I keep trying to pin point one thing that is the reason for my weird state but I don't know what it is.  And maybe it's normal to feel like the days are blending together and to feel like a robot going thru motions and tasks of the day.  That's what it feels like on most days, with a few glimpses of smiles, laughter, surprises and fun.  But I decided to write something, anything and see if it helps in any way.

I am transitioning into a full-time job at work and I have a phone interview tomorrow for that.  Even though I already work there, I have to go thru the whole hiring process all over again so I hope I don't mess it up tomorrow. :) I'm already doing everything I'll be doing in my job so about the only thing that will change are my hours and I really hope I can manage that ok.  I will officially start working for a new financial advisor Vanessa who started at the same time as I did.  She's been working at our office so I've been able to get to know her and she's really nice and easy to get along with.  In about a year and a half she will have to move away from this office and find her own building and I will most likely go with her.  It will be ok, but I already know I'll miss Kim, the other assistant I work with.  She is a huge help to me if there's anything I haven't seen done before and most of all what's nice is that we can share some of the work load, cover for each other when we're gone and that will all be gone when I'm all alone in the office with Vanessa.  But thankfully it's still a ways out so I don't have to think about it.  It's been a very nice experience for me so far, even though the work has been so much busier since Christmas and we're never caught up with anything anymore.  So some days are a bit stressful, especially when the phone is ringing off the hook and I'm trying to get things done.  But I still enjoy it and would much rather be too busy than bored out of my mind.  And having 4 people in the office is so wonderful!  There's no fighting and politics and drama. :)

Speaking of drama, I am getting more and more aware of Kade growing up and having to have the hard conversations about girls and stuff.  I think he's inherited Ehren's easy going character when he's around his friends and he has no problem talking to girls whatsoever.  I thought for sure he would not talk to girls much until highschool but here we are and he already bought a girl a Valentine's gift ( a stuffed animal and some candy).  We talked about it before because I'm not one to encourage any kind of relationships, dating and stuff so I had to be sure he knew this didn't mean that they are dating now or anything like that.  And he said " I know mom, not until I have my driver's license." :)  Umm, I don't think so!  Anyway, it was a bit of a drama because Kade told another girl who's just a friend that he bought a gift for this particular girl.  Well, she found out and a couple days before Valentine's she told Kade they're only friends and she doesn't want the gift. So that didn't last very long and Kade told me he talked to his buddy and they're not going there anymore, it's too much drama. :)  I am glad he talks to us a little bit about this stuff but it's still scary to think we have to just lead him and trust that he makes the right decisions when we're not there.  He made sure he found out she was a Christian first so I guess that's something. 

Kade has been working hard at getting his grades up and everything which is great to see.  He didn't make it to the basketball traveling team again this year which was a huge disappointment to him but at least this time I got an answer from one of the coaches.  I'm not sure it's good or bad, he didn't get picked because he was too short.  So having good basketball skills, being able to score points in a game and being fast has nothing to do with it I guess.  It was really hard for me at first because of how hard Kade worked and  how much he has improved this year but now you just want to laugh at them because it's like that in every sport in our town and if you don't have the right connections you never make it.  Luckily, Kade got over it too and still plays basketball with his buddies on Sundays.  He also just signed up for track even though he didn't want to at first but I kept telling him how much it can help him for all the other sports he's in. So I hope he likes it even if it's not a team sport.

Other than that, I still feel like I'm trying to get used to working outside of home and not being home when the kids are done with school. Evenings go by way too quickly for us and what I probably hate most about it is that there's usually not enough time to make a decent dinner.  So we don't have a good cooked meal every night which is very hard for me.  I have a lot of friends who work and have no problem eating junk food or sandwiches every night but for some reason I don't like letting go of it.  And I know if I planned a little more and prepared some of the meals over the weekend it would work for the week but weekends are so sacred to me and  I don't want to spend half a day in the kitchen.  So right now it's about finding balance in life, juggling work, school, homework, sports, church activities, friends, and so on.  We talked about different stages of life in our adult Sunday school this morning and it made me think how we are in the stage of life where we are so busy with everything and it makes it really hard to connect with friends on regular bases.  I am so glad we have our small group in our life because it is probably the only thing that helps us stay connected and grow together with other couples.

All in all, I really feel that whatever discomfort or busyness or any negative or "hard" things we're going thru it is Nothing in comparison to the suffering world around us, people who lose their loved ones, Christians beheaded for no reason, cancer in the family.  So I really feel like I have no right to complain about anything because I have so much right now.  I have so much more than I deserve, so much more than I need.  It's up to me to do something with it and not waste it.

Happy 2015!

Christmas was very nice and quiet.  It was different to not hear the cousins squeal and laugh together but it was nice for our family to spend some time together, just the 5 of us.  As Kade's getting older, he wants to hang out with his friends more and more and it was nice to have all of us together and nowhere to rush to or go.

For New Years Eve we went to our friends' house from church.  There were a few kids there and adults and it was nice visiting with them for a while.  We didn't stay too late because we wanted to ring to the New Year at home if the kids were able to stay up and surprisingly all 3 of them wanted to wait for the 2015, I think just so they can say they did it. :) And it was the first time in a long time they all finally slept in and so did we.  It is nice to have a relaxing day together, getting a few things done around the house.

And I finally have some time to sit down and ponder on my last year and the year that's ahead.  It was a great year and my highlight was definitely our anniversary trip to California and going to the North Shore as a family.  I'm so thankful for everything God has given me and has blessed me with because I don't deserve any of it.

I also started my new job this last Fall and that has brought its own blessings and challenges.  I still cannot believe I was able to stumble upon this job, how God dropped it in my lap with a smile.  The pay is not great but I really enjoy the job and the people I work with, which is only 3 right now and will always stay small.  In a couple months I will start working full-time and I'm a bit worried about having less time to juggle things outside of work but at the same time, it really won't be that different than what I do now.  I feel so blessed with how flexible they are and understanding if I need to take time off for kids and different things.  Ehren does not have that freedom in his job so it really is a blessing for our family.  The kids have been busy with basketball and Anika does Just for Kix which is sort of like a dance class.  Kade has been working really hard on his basketball skills and has improved a lot.  He's getting a lot more confident and that's great to see.  His little heart wants nothing more than to make it to the traveling team, which they pick 10 best players from the team at the end of the season and those 10 go on practicing and playing many more games. After last year he understands that life is not fair and he doesn't always get what he wants even when he earned it but he's still very hopeful and driven which is great to see.

There has also been something that is emotionally wearing me down since the beginning of the school year.  I haven't talked about it because I don't even know where to begin.  Basically, I found out one of my closest friends is suffering from certain mental illness which she has hidden perfectly well but she has hurt 3 of my good friends recently and it is still not resolved.  Just right before Christmas she sent me a message detailing all the things she's done to one of the friends and how justified she was in all that.  She accused me of total betrayal and how we can never be friends again.  At the same time, they go to our church and that makes it much worse.  It has brought confusion and disruption to my small circle of the closest friends and even when I try not to let it bother me it is there and wearing me down.  This was my good friend who I loved and who I'd do anything for and in a way it feels like losing someone.  Ehren told me not to even reply back to her, that I just have to let her go.  And that's what I did but it's still hard and if I ever walk by her she doesn't even look at me.  The few close friends that know about it are praying for her and we all hope she will admit to herself that she needs to find help. Her husband is staying by her side and won't talk to anybody about it so there's really nothing we can do other than pray.  It is just all very sad and why it's so hard on me is that I don't have many friends but the ones I do have I cherish dearly and seeing my small circle of friends disrupted is painful.  I know God sees us and it will be ok, but I think a lot of my distancing from things recently has to do with this. It will take some time to heal and move on.

So I pray the new 2015 brings hope and healing.  Besides other things, I want to really strive to be a better friend, there's always someone who's lonely and could use a good friend.  Sometimes we get so focused or comfortable with our best friends that we don't see the ones that really need someone in their life.  I want to be more available to people, to my family and friends.  It means so much more than the material things we give.

Blessings to you in the 2015, wherever you are!  May your year be full of joy and peace that spreads to everyone around you!

      

live and learn

Well, it has been a while again.  It is just hard to find time to sit down and write when stuff all around me is screaming at me to come and finish up, clean up, pick up.  But with Christmas right around the corner my heart is longing for the peace, to just sit and be quiet, to rest in Him and to recharge.  I forget how much writing stuff down helps me to do just that and to put things into perspective.

It has been a very busy Fall with me working and kids in sports.  Kason did 3 months of Tae Kwan Do and he loved it.  It was a trial to see if he would enjoy it and he surprised me because he did not

want it to end and is still sad about it.  I kept reminding him as it was getting close to the belt testing that no matter what, when that's done we will take a break from TKD.  The big thing is how expensive it is and costs way more than any other activity the kids are doing and he understands that.  But more than that, I need more time at home in the evenings and it will help a lot with that.  More than anything, I never want to become one of those over scheduled families that live their life on the go but in the process don't know what family is.  And yet, many days I feel like that's just what our life is.  I feel like I can never catch up no matter how much I try and I'm always behind on something like laundry, running out of ideas for meals that take less than 20 minutes, and the stress of life on top of that.  Talking with some good mom friends, we have all been feeling that way and I don't know if holidays make it worse somehow but we're all just craving the quiet and peace.

Recently I read a post online from someone.  It was a grown man describing his mom that passed away recently.  He was saying how even though he loved her very much, there was always a hardness about her, you could feel her anxiety and anger in the house and she was always rushing to get something done, get ready to go and stuff.  And as he was looking at a picture of her as a little girl he felt sad because he knew that little girl did not want to grow up to be a ball of anxiety until she died.  For some reason, reading it hit me really hard because I am that girl.  It is so hard for me to see past the "stuff" around me that needs to get done right now that I don't see the little boy who just wants a hug from his mom and her taking 10 minutes to really listen and show him she cares. I feel like there are so many missed moments in my life because of the stupid need to try to do it all, to keep up with so and so, and to be seen as having it all together.  So right now, I just want to be there.  Be present and available.  I say that now but when it's a stressful morning, we're already few minutes behind schedule and Kason is missing gloves or a hat for the 100th time, it is overwhelmingly hard to "be there" for him. :)  So I pray I can get better at it and can remember the Grace daily.

Next week is Christmas and this year more than anything I am looking forward to some much needed rest and family time.  It will be quiet and wonderful. I am actually looking forward to some baking this weekend and just enjoying our home and our family.  My mom has always worked so hard to make our Christmases special and it had nothing to do with gifts which they couldn't afford.  And now I want to give that to our kids so that one day they will remember the special times and will want that for their kids.   I have been blessed by so much even though I don't deserve any of it. I desire to be humble and thankful and filled with God's joy, grace and peace.  He is the only one that can give that to me.  And I pray that you have a very Blessed and Quiet Christmas wherever you are!       

      

the new beginning

I'm guessing a new post is in order to say a few words about how the new job at Edward Jones is going.  This week was my first "full" week at work and I'm not gonna lie, it's an adjustment just getting used to the working schedule and not being home to take care of the house, meals, run errands, etc.  But I have to say it is nice working 8-4 and being able to bring the kids to school and getting home just shortly after they come home off the bus.  For now I'm working 4 days a week but I am really thinking about going full-time starting in February for several different reasons.  They really need a full-time employee about then so if I decide to stay part-time I'd have to be a substitute and work for all 4 branches in our town which doesn't sound as good.  Also, working fulltime I'd get a lot better benefits and better pay.  So for now, it is nice to work almost full 4 days to see how I can handle it and to see if it's too much. 

So far it's been ok and my busyness is not so much from working but from having 2 kids to do homework with every day. :)  Kade does his on his own, but now it is Kason and Ani to do their homework, work on spelling and reading every night and on the days we have something going on it can be pretty stressful.  But we just have to get into a routine and it will be ok.  Another big transition is getting myself ready. :)  It is funny, but it's been so long since I had to dress up for work every day and it's not fun for me.  Until now I just had to worry about one nice outfit per week which would be for church but now it is almost every day and it's not easy when most of my outfits include jeans which are never allowed at work.  When I was subbing I was at least able to wear jeans and anything so I feel like my wardrobe just shrunk by a lot. :)

The work itself is going great, it is a lot to absorb and learn but it is really nice that I worked in the financial planning firm before and it is all coming back to me.  Of course, they do every procedure very differently, using totally different system, so there's a lot of training and learning but it's going well.  The days fly by very quickly which is nice and the people there are very nice too.  In comparison to any other place I worked at, this office is very quiet because it is only 4 of us there so that is one difference but it is still plenty busy.  I really like how flexible they are with me and how understanding they are about taking time off or leaving early if I need to go get the kids and that's the only reason working full-time doesn't seem so bad.  But I'll have to see how it all goes when I'm there a little bit longer.

All in all, I feel very blessed to have this opportunity just fall in my lap, quite literally.  I would have never imagined I could find a job like this here in TRF and I hope I'm able to do a good job there.  Ehren has been great too and very supportive which is so helpful.  He too has to adapt to me working and not being able to do everything I was doing before so it is a change for all of us.  But no matter how hard some days are, I believe this is where God wants me right now and it will work out.  I am also thankful to Him for an opportunity to get to know people outside my little circle of church/school mom friends and hopefully be able to reach out to them in the near future.







 
  

I'm back

Well, the summer is over and I've managed to go the whole summer without a blog post. :)  We had a really good summer filled with friends, swimming, cabin, family get togethers and even if we didn't go on any trips as a family it went by really fast.  I think I personally was holding on to every day and trying to really enjoy it because the busy life was going to start way too soon.

In the middle of July I got a lead on a job at Edward Jones which was just incredible how it all happened because I was not expecting it or even looking for a job.  I was going to be perfectly happy with subbing again this school year but then an opportunity presented to work in the Financial Advising business again and I was very excited about it.  The advisor I would work for talked to me about it right away and he needed someone to start in the middle of August to replace his assistant but all the hiring for EJ comes directly from the main office and is the slowest hiring process I have ever seen in my life.  So, here I am still waiting to see when I could start but this time we're a lot closer because I have sent them my fingerprints from the police station last week and that is the last step before the background check is complete and they can officially hire me.  So it is still not definite which is very hard to chew on or plan/not to plan for but I should know within 2 weeks.  It sounds great in that I would start part time and see how I like it and if it is something I see myself doing, in January/February it may turn into a fulltime position.

In the meantime, I am still on the substitute teachers list and it is funny how when it rains it pours.  Here I was thinking I would not even hear from the school the first 2 months like last year but I already got multiple phone calls to sub.  Today was my first day at the Middle school and next week I'm subbing the whole week at the Elementary school.  It is a huge blessing but it kind of makes me smile that it comes right as I'm about to leave the subbing job.  But, I knew it was going to be just a temporary job for me, it is very stressful to be in a new class every time and to wake up and not know if I would get called in and for what school.  So as far as that goes, I would for sure choose a steady job over that.  But I have no idea what EJ might bring and if I'll like it there.  I know they are unbelievably busy which I like but every office is different and has its ups and downs.

But what I am so thankful for is that God has given me such peace about the whole thing.  He practically dropped this in my lap out of nowhere and even though it sounds very exciting, it's like the first time in my life I feel a great sense of peace about the whole thing, knowing that whatever happens will be good because God is in control.  If it doesn't work out, the subbing will be just fine for another year.

Yet with all that hanging in the air about when I would start, I think it made me just really slow down the last couple weeks or so and just enjoy the quiet of our home, the sleeping in, the time with our kids and the stuff that can be really taken for granted.  I felt guilty once in a while and like I was very lazy but at the same time a voice inside was telling me "you need this right now, it may be the last summer like this."  So I'm not sorry about it and now I feel ready to tackle the business of working, managing our home, kids' activities and all that even though it makes me nervous too.  I know it will be a transition, especially as far as managing the home, how I plan and cook dinners and lots of other things.

This week the kids started school.  I was mostly nervous for Kade going on to Middle school but he seems to be doing really well.  He loves the school, his teachers and how he gets to see so many of his buddies in different classes.  I was hoping he'd like it but I didn't think he would be quite as excited and every day he talks and talks to me about all the stuff that happened at school which I don't think he's ever done before.  I am so thankful for that and want to just enjoy those moments while they last.

Kason and Anika had a good start too, they both love their teachers.  Kason was all ready to go the first day and there's never even a hint of "I'll miss you" :).  He's always ready to tackle the world.  He already brought home some Math homework and peeking at it I really hope the teacher has something more challenging for him at school because that almost seems like a silly homework to give him who can easily do 2nd grade Math.   And Anika is her shy little self, I think it will take her a while to open up again in a new class with different kids.  She would not even look at her teacher when we got there the first day.  She also just got her new glasses (I guess her vision was way worse than we thought) but she's having a bit of a hard time adjusting to them.  She keeps saying how they don't make her see better, that she can see better without them and just doesn't like them but she's been great about keeping them on during the day.  So I'm hoping it is doing something and when we go in for a check-up they can make sure they're working for her.

So, off we go into our Fall routine of school, sports, church, youth group and hopefully a new job to start soon.  It sure feels like we're entering a whole new season of our life as a family and more than ever we're being conscious of putting our family first and planning nights to have just for us.