nightmare

A good thing about nightmares is that they are just nightmares. :)  I don't usually have vivid dreams unless I'm pregnant (I'm NOT by the way) and I think that's why when I have one it hits me hard.  It feels very real and I can play the dream over and over in my head after I wake up.

Last night I had the scariest saddest dream I've had in years.  I was running outside along with our kids, in a big hurry somewhere, and I think Emily was there too.  Kason was last and he was trying to carry all his stuff while running.  I probably got that image because I always have to be on him to get ready to go, to have everything he needs for school and stuff so we can get out the door.  Anyway, there was a river and we were running across a bridge over it.  All the kids were in front of me when I look back to yell at Kason to hurry up and catch up to us.  I remember seeing him struggle with his school shoes as he's running on the bridge and one of them flies out of his arms, right to the river.  I'm not sure what kind of railing there was on the bridge but Kason leaned down to get his shoe as it was falling and I just have an image of his little body going across the railing into the deep river.  My heart just stopped right there as I yelled and ran to the river bank, trying to run with the current.  I remember how I was yelling out for him and all I wanted to do was to swim in there but I knew I couldn't swim in the freezing water and the other kids were left by themselves on the bridge.  After that I don't remember much other than frantically calling 911 and Ehren and just yelling out for Kason, with no sign of him anywhere.  I woke up with tears running down my cheeks and even more awful feeling.  Somehow though I drifted back to sleep a little because I was at a different place, somewhere public, soon after this happened and a guy was holding a gun to me.  A strange guy next to me did something he wasn't supposed to and the shooter shot him dead right there, as kind of a warning to me.  And I distinctly remember how I didn't feel anything at that moment.  I wasn't scared or anything and I told the shooter what just happened to me and how if he shot me it would not have mattered.  And somehow I ended up witnessing to him because he was so impressed by my story or something.  That's all I remember because I was so disturbed after that I couldn't sleep anymore and it was almost time to wake up anyway. :)

So a pretty morbid dream which never happens to me and just an awful feeling to wake up to.  Kason is our only child that every single day when he wakes up the first thing he does is he runs to me to hug and hold me for a while.  I always love his hugs and "I love you, mom"  but this morning it felt like the best gift ever and it almost brought me to tears that it was all just a dream and my beautiful loving boy is still here.  Makes you really stop in your tracks and appreciate every little smile, kiss, word and everything.  Thank you God for this reminder in a different way today.  And maybe this means I need to stop getting after Kason as we're trying to get out the door in the morning. :)      

women's retreat

Our church had a women's retreat this last weekend at a Bible camp.  There were about 20 of us there and it was such a treat to get away with such awesome ladies.  Some of them I knew pretty well and some not so much and a weekend away is perfect to deepen those relationships.  We laughed and cried and cried some more and made lots of fun memories together.

One friend that was there is really struggling with her marriage right now and 4 of us spent some time reaching out to her and sharing from our own struggles.  I just could not imagine how much something as simple as being vulnerable and share the past hurts/mistakes as well as hear the other womens' stories could be such a blessing to me.  I came to the conclusion that even in church and among friends women don't open up and so many times put on a mask pretending their life is perfect yet they are so lonely in their marriage.  No wonder couples don't make it more often than they do because so few people talk about their struggles when it comes to husband and wife issues.  So it was really great to talk and cry and pray together about it.  The theme of the retreat was to "upcycle" our life, to renew our walk with God, to be bold in all areas of our life.  But after our talk I could not get marriages out of my mind and my prayer for me and all the ladies there was and is to be bold in our marriages.  After all they are the second most important relationship we will have on this Earth and we have to fight for it no matter what.

There was also a lot of fun stuff of course like crafts and games, going cross country skiing on the most hilly trail I've ever been on (not counting the downhill skiing :)) and the famous polar plunge.  Guys had their retreat a couple weeks ago at the same Bible camp and a few of them did the polar plunge and so some of the ladies were pretty determined to beat their number of participants. :)  I knew some of the girls were thinking of doing it before we went and I only brought my swim suit for the sauna because I love that part.  I thought there was no way I would do it but of course, peer pressure always does it to me and if they can do it so can I!  So there we were, in our swim suits and socks (something about it's better than bare feet on the ice/snow) sitting in the little sauna warming up and hyping each other up to do the plunge.  There were 3 or 4 ladies that did it first and as I watched them I was pretty much screaming with them and thinking this is the craziest thing ever.  At the same time I wanted to prove to myself I can do this.  And not just barely do it but put my head under the water which I hate doing on a nice summer day. :)  Then another group of girls did the plunge and it was just me and another friend left  so we said "let's do it" and off we went.  We sprinted to the lake which wasn't very far but honestly by the time I reached the ladder I didn't have any of the warmth left on me from the sauna.  As I was stepping down the ladder into the icy water I kept saying "I can't do it" but kept going and finally dunked my head under.  The very first thing as you come up is not that you're cold, but that you can barely take a breath in, like your body is in shock.  But luckily it only lasts a few seconds and then you're just really cold everywhere.  We sprinted back to the sauna and it took a while to warm up again.  But just doing it with someone is so much more fun and you laugh at each other and at the craziness of it all.  It was the perfect end to our day.

I'm so glad I was able to go and spend the weekend with these precious women.  It was time to replenish, connect, renew and be still without having to think of a to-do-list or what's for supper.

      

 we all bought the same shirt from the Blue Water Bible camp so we had to take a picture and laughed at ourselves that it was like we were back in junior high. :)





















   

ready set...

Well, I guess it is going to be a go and if I get the visa in time I will be flying to Monrovia, Liberia on March 22nd.  I would be going with a nurse from our church and our pastor who both have been there before.  I just talked to our pastor and he was telling me what an answer from God this is especially since I have some experience with teaching.  It's not by accident that I have a part-time job right now that is easy to leave for 10 days and that this job in many ways prepared me for this mission trip.

Liberia as a whole is struggling for teachers and this year out of the whole country 0 students passed the entrance exams to get into their University.  The school our church mainly works with has one of the highest scores in the country but even that is not enough as none of their students passed the entrance exam either.  So their goal is to bring in teachers in the near future from the US but first they want someone to observe the situation and see what is needed.  So the people over there were really excited when they found out a teacher might be coming (talking about me). :) I guess I am a teacher now.  I tried to explain I'm just a sub with no teacher's training but they don't care.  And in a way I understand that anyone is more qualified than their 16 year old kids that are trying to teach 4-5 graders because they simply have no one else.  Of course, lack of books and materials is a huge deal too and there's no technology at this school, only one black board to write on.  So that makes everything hard and I don't even know where the teachers going there would start.  Plus there are so many unschooled children running around who don't even know colors and basic skills.  It makes your heart break for how much needs to be done and is the little drop in the ocean going to help?  But God is clearly calling us to go and help and everyone there is so grateful for every little thing our church is able to do for them.  I'm starting to get excited about this life changing experience and I feel so humbled that I would even be able to go and be part of it.

So I'm getting all my vaccines next week and then it's to apply for the visas and I need to work on my support letters which  I feel kind of bad about since it is so last minute but I know people can support this trip even after we go and are back here so it is not as time sensitive.  I pray that God will prepare me for this and that I give Him 100%.   

These 2 pictures are from different trips some people from our congregation have been on and we'll be in the same places.  Stacy is the one with all the kids around her and she's the nurse I'll be helping out.  Her main job will be to do health screenings for all the kids in the school and I hope I'm able to observe and help with some of the schooling part of it too.

birthday

Yesterday was my birthday and it was a special day.  Ehren always tries to make it as special for me as possible.  And it is funny how excited the kids were too, making me cards, necklaces and bracelets and Anika just could not wait to give it to me in the morning.  Kason is our big hugger and I'm not exaggerating when I say he gave me a big hug and said "happy birthday, mom.  I love you!" at least 40 times throughout the day.  And I loved it every single time. :)

I also went out for lunch with 3 girl friends and that was special too.  It is so hard to get together with my dear friends on regular basis because of everyone's constant running around so it was even more special we got to do it on my birthday.  And it was a lovely break to my day.

Then something else happened yesterday that is a huge deal and I'm just trying to wrap my head around it.  Our church does pretty frequent missions trips to Liberia where we are working with the local church and I remember last year I had a thought that if there was a way to work with orphanages or kids over there I would love to go some day.  When I was a young girl I dreamed about going to the mission field in Africa and help with kids there but then I fell in love at 17 and started my married life in MN at 20 so Africa never happened. :)

Anyway, about a week ago I heard our church was looking for a woman to go on a 10 day missions trip to help a nurse that's going there with kids' screenings at a school over there.  My first thought was "someone else can go, they always find someone."  But then I saw an announcement in the bulletin at church that they were still looking for a woman and for some reason it hit me that this is the perfect time for me to go.  I don't have a full-time job that is keeping me from going, our kids are older and will be in school that whole time.  So after I told Ehren about it he said I should just ask the pastor about it and see.  I e-mailed our pastor about it and truthfully, I was really thinking he's going to say it won't work or that they already have someone.  Well instead, he was really excited and sent my e-mails to everyone involved including the Liberian people.  He told me I need to get the shots required right away so I can be ready to go.  I was like "what just happened?" It happened way too fast and all I wanted to know was if there was a chance to go.  Before I asked the pastor I prayed about it and I told God how impossible this seems (given the fact that the trip is at the end of March) and that if He really wants me to go that He will have to open the doors for me.  Today I talked to another lady in charge who's been there before and I thought at least she'd give me some bad news but she was also very encouraging about everything and that it will be hard to get the visa but if I get the shots I'll be ready to go.  She said to call a traveling doctor right away who would give me a yellow fever shot and something else and she said sometimes it's really hard to get in for an appointment.  So again I thought there would be something in my way of going but I called and I can get the shots next week.  So now I am starting to get a bit more panicky.  Not in a bad way but in a way of "wow, this might be actually happening." :) So I am not sure what will happen and for some reason I have a huge peace about not going if it doesn't work out.  But I'm getting more and more nervous (if that's the word) about going mostly because it is in such a short time, it's Africa and I don't have time to process it all.  A lot of prayer is needed and I trust that God has a plan in all this.  They desperately need nurses there yet our nurse can't go without another woman and maybe if I'm just willing to go God will take care of everything else.  So that is my huge thing right now.  I think if there was more time it would be easier but most of these trips happen really quickly depending on the locals who do not plan months ahead with certain things.

So if you will, please pray for me that God would prepare me to go in every way if I'm supposed to go and for this specific short term mission so that they are able to send a team whoever it is and that God's name will be glorified in all of it.