live and learn

Well, it has been a while again.  It is just hard to find time to sit down and write when stuff all around me is screaming at me to come and finish up, clean up, pick up.  But with Christmas right around the corner my heart is longing for the peace, to just sit and be quiet, to rest in Him and to recharge.  I forget how much writing stuff down helps me to do just that and to put things into perspective.

It has been a very busy Fall with me working and kids in sports.  Kason did 3 months of Tae Kwan Do and he loved it.  It was a trial to see if he would enjoy it and he surprised me because he did not

want it to end and is still sad about it.  I kept reminding him as it was getting close to the belt testing that no matter what, when that's done we will take a break from TKD.  The big thing is how expensive it is and costs way more than any other activity the kids are doing and he understands that.  But more than that, I need more time at home in the evenings and it will help a lot with that.  More than anything, I never want to become one of those over scheduled families that live their life on the go but in the process don't know what family is.  And yet, many days I feel like that's just what our life is.  I feel like I can never catch up no matter how much I try and I'm always behind on something like laundry, running out of ideas for meals that take less than 20 minutes, and the stress of life on top of that.  Talking with some good mom friends, we have all been feeling that way and I don't know if holidays make it worse somehow but we're all just craving the quiet and peace.

Recently I read a post online from someone.  It was a grown man describing his mom that passed away recently.  He was saying how even though he loved her very much, there was always a hardness about her, you could feel her anxiety and anger in the house and she was always rushing to get something done, get ready to go and stuff.  And as he was looking at a picture of her as a little girl he felt sad because he knew that little girl did not want to grow up to be a ball of anxiety until she died.  For some reason, reading it hit me really hard because I am that girl.  It is so hard for me to see past the "stuff" around me that needs to get done right now that I don't see the little boy who just wants a hug from his mom and her taking 10 minutes to really listen and show him she cares. I feel like there are so many missed moments in my life because of the stupid need to try to do it all, to keep up with so and so, and to be seen as having it all together.  So right now, I just want to be there.  Be present and available.  I say that now but when it's a stressful morning, we're already few minutes behind schedule and Kason is missing gloves or a hat for the 100th time, it is overwhelmingly hard to "be there" for him. :)  So I pray I can get better at it and can remember the Grace daily.

Next week is Christmas and this year more than anything I am looking forward to some much needed rest and family time.  It will be quiet and wonderful. I am actually looking forward to some baking this weekend and just enjoying our home and our family.  My mom has always worked so hard to make our Christmases special and it had nothing to do with gifts which they couldn't afford.  And now I want to give that to our kids so that one day they will remember the special times and will want that for their kids.   I have been blessed by so much even though I don't deserve any of it. I desire to be humble and thankful and filled with God's joy, grace and peace.  He is the only one that can give that to me.  And I pray that you have a very Blessed and Quiet Christmas wherever you are!