nightmare

A good thing about nightmares is that they are just nightmares. :)  I don't usually have vivid dreams unless I'm pregnant (I'm NOT by the way) and I think that's why when I have one it hits me hard.  It feels very real and I can play the dream over and over in my head after I wake up.

Last night I had the scariest saddest dream I've had in years.  I was running outside along with our kids, in a big hurry somewhere, and I think Emily was there too.  Kason was last and he was trying to carry all his stuff while running.  I probably got that image because I always have to be on him to get ready to go, to have everything he needs for school and stuff so we can get out the door.  Anyway, there was a river and we were running across a bridge over it.  All the kids were in front of me when I look back to yell at Kason to hurry up and catch up to us.  I remember seeing him struggle with his school shoes as he's running on the bridge and one of them flies out of his arms, right to the river.  I'm not sure what kind of railing there was on the bridge but Kason leaned down to get his shoe as it was falling and I just have an image of his little body going across the railing into the deep river.  My heart just stopped right there as I yelled and ran to the river bank, trying to run with the current.  I remember how I was yelling out for him and all I wanted to do was to swim in there but I knew I couldn't swim in the freezing water and the other kids were left by themselves on the bridge.  After that I don't remember much other than frantically calling 911 and Ehren and just yelling out for Kason, with no sign of him anywhere.  I woke up with tears running down my cheeks and even more awful feeling.  Somehow though I drifted back to sleep a little because I was at a different place, somewhere public, soon after this happened and a guy was holding a gun to me.  A strange guy next to me did something he wasn't supposed to and the shooter shot him dead right there, as kind of a warning to me.  And I distinctly remember how I didn't feel anything at that moment.  I wasn't scared or anything and I told the shooter what just happened to me and how if he shot me it would not have mattered.  And somehow I ended up witnessing to him because he was so impressed by my story or something.  That's all I remember because I was so disturbed after that I couldn't sleep anymore and it was almost time to wake up anyway. :)

So a pretty morbid dream which never happens to me and just an awful feeling to wake up to.  Kason is our only child that every single day when he wakes up the first thing he does is he runs to me to hug and hold me for a while.  I always love his hugs and "I love you, mom"  but this morning it felt like the best gift ever and it almost brought me to tears that it was all just a dream and my beautiful loving boy is still here.  Makes you really stop in your tracks and appreciate every little smile, kiss, word and everything.  Thank you God for this reminder in a different way today.  And maybe this means I need to stop getting after Kason as we're trying to get out the door in the morning. :)      

women's retreat

Our church had a women's retreat this last weekend at a Bible camp.  There were about 20 of us there and it was such a treat to get away with such awesome ladies.  Some of them I knew pretty well and some not so much and a weekend away is perfect to deepen those relationships.  We laughed and cried and cried some more and made lots of fun memories together.

One friend that was there is really struggling with her marriage right now and 4 of us spent some time reaching out to her and sharing from our own struggles.  I just could not imagine how much something as simple as being vulnerable and share the past hurts/mistakes as well as hear the other womens' stories could be such a blessing to me.  I came to the conclusion that even in church and among friends women don't open up and so many times put on a mask pretending their life is perfect yet they are so lonely in their marriage.  No wonder couples don't make it more often than they do because so few people talk about their struggles when it comes to husband and wife issues.  So it was really great to talk and cry and pray together about it.  The theme of the retreat was to "upcycle" our life, to renew our walk with God, to be bold in all areas of our life.  But after our talk I could not get marriages out of my mind and my prayer for me and all the ladies there was and is to be bold in our marriages.  After all they are the second most important relationship we will have on this Earth and we have to fight for it no matter what.

There was also a lot of fun stuff of course like crafts and games, going cross country skiing on the most hilly trail I've ever been on (not counting the downhill skiing :)) and the famous polar plunge.  Guys had their retreat a couple weeks ago at the same Bible camp and a few of them did the polar plunge and so some of the ladies were pretty determined to beat their number of participants. :)  I knew some of the girls were thinking of doing it before we went and I only brought my swim suit for the sauna because I love that part.  I thought there was no way I would do it but of course, peer pressure always does it to me and if they can do it so can I!  So there we were, in our swim suits and socks (something about it's better than bare feet on the ice/snow) sitting in the little sauna warming up and hyping each other up to do the plunge.  There were 3 or 4 ladies that did it first and as I watched them I was pretty much screaming with them and thinking this is the craziest thing ever.  At the same time I wanted to prove to myself I can do this.  And not just barely do it but put my head under the water which I hate doing on a nice summer day. :)  Then another group of girls did the plunge and it was just me and another friend left  so we said "let's do it" and off we went.  We sprinted to the lake which wasn't very far but honestly by the time I reached the ladder I didn't have any of the warmth left on me from the sauna.  As I was stepping down the ladder into the icy water I kept saying "I can't do it" but kept going and finally dunked my head under.  The very first thing as you come up is not that you're cold, but that you can barely take a breath in, like your body is in shock.  But luckily it only lasts a few seconds and then you're just really cold everywhere.  We sprinted back to the sauna and it took a while to warm up again.  But just doing it with someone is so much more fun and you laugh at each other and at the craziness of it all.  It was the perfect end to our day.

I'm so glad I was able to go and spend the weekend with these precious women.  It was time to replenish, connect, renew and be still without having to think of a to-do-list or what's for supper.

      

 we all bought the same shirt from the Blue Water Bible camp so we had to take a picture and laughed at ourselves that it was like we were back in junior high. :)





















   

ready set...

Well, I guess it is going to be a go and if I get the visa in time I will be flying to Monrovia, Liberia on March 22nd.  I would be going with a nurse from our church and our pastor who both have been there before.  I just talked to our pastor and he was telling me what an answer from God this is especially since I have some experience with teaching.  It's not by accident that I have a part-time job right now that is easy to leave for 10 days and that this job in many ways prepared me for this mission trip.

Liberia as a whole is struggling for teachers and this year out of the whole country 0 students passed the entrance exams to get into their University.  The school our church mainly works with has one of the highest scores in the country but even that is not enough as none of their students passed the entrance exam either.  So their goal is to bring in teachers in the near future from the US but first they want someone to observe the situation and see what is needed.  So the people over there were really excited when they found out a teacher might be coming (talking about me). :) I guess I am a teacher now.  I tried to explain I'm just a sub with no teacher's training but they don't care.  And in a way I understand that anyone is more qualified than their 16 year old kids that are trying to teach 4-5 graders because they simply have no one else.  Of course, lack of books and materials is a huge deal too and there's no technology at this school, only one black board to write on.  So that makes everything hard and I don't even know where the teachers going there would start.  Plus there are so many unschooled children running around who don't even know colors and basic skills.  It makes your heart break for how much needs to be done and is the little drop in the ocean going to help?  But God is clearly calling us to go and help and everyone there is so grateful for every little thing our church is able to do for them.  I'm starting to get excited about this life changing experience and I feel so humbled that I would even be able to go and be part of it.

So I'm getting all my vaccines next week and then it's to apply for the visas and I need to work on my support letters which  I feel kind of bad about since it is so last minute but I know people can support this trip even after we go and are back here so it is not as time sensitive.  I pray that God will prepare me for this and that I give Him 100%.   

These 2 pictures are from different trips some people from our congregation have been on and we'll be in the same places.  Stacy is the one with all the kids around her and she's the nurse I'll be helping out.  Her main job will be to do health screenings for all the kids in the school and I hope I'm able to observe and help with some of the schooling part of it too.

birthday

Yesterday was my birthday and it was a special day.  Ehren always tries to make it as special for me as possible.  And it is funny how excited the kids were too, making me cards, necklaces and bracelets and Anika just could not wait to give it to me in the morning.  Kason is our big hugger and I'm not exaggerating when I say he gave me a big hug and said "happy birthday, mom.  I love you!" at least 40 times throughout the day.  And I loved it every single time. :)

I also went out for lunch with 3 girl friends and that was special too.  It is so hard to get together with my dear friends on regular basis because of everyone's constant running around so it was even more special we got to do it on my birthday.  And it was a lovely break to my day.

Then something else happened yesterday that is a huge deal and I'm just trying to wrap my head around it.  Our church does pretty frequent missions trips to Liberia where we are working with the local church and I remember last year I had a thought that if there was a way to work with orphanages or kids over there I would love to go some day.  When I was a young girl I dreamed about going to the mission field in Africa and help with kids there but then I fell in love at 17 and started my married life in MN at 20 so Africa never happened. :)

Anyway, about a week ago I heard our church was looking for a woman to go on a 10 day missions trip to help a nurse that's going there with kids' screenings at a school over there.  My first thought was "someone else can go, they always find someone."  But then I saw an announcement in the bulletin at church that they were still looking for a woman and for some reason it hit me that this is the perfect time for me to go.  I don't have a full-time job that is keeping me from going, our kids are older and will be in school that whole time.  So after I told Ehren about it he said I should just ask the pastor about it and see.  I e-mailed our pastor about it and truthfully, I was really thinking he's going to say it won't work or that they already have someone.  Well instead, he was really excited and sent my e-mails to everyone involved including the Liberian people.  He told me I need to get the shots required right away so I can be ready to go.  I was like "what just happened?" It happened way too fast and all I wanted to know was if there was a chance to go.  Before I asked the pastor I prayed about it and I told God how impossible this seems (given the fact that the trip is at the end of March) and that if He really wants me to go that He will have to open the doors for me.  Today I talked to another lady in charge who's been there before and I thought at least she'd give me some bad news but she was also very encouraging about everything and that it will be hard to get the visa but if I get the shots I'll be ready to go.  She said to call a traveling doctor right away who would give me a yellow fever shot and something else and she said sometimes it's really hard to get in for an appointment.  So again I thought there would be something in my way of going but I called and I can get the shots next week.  So now I am starting to get a bit more panicky.  Not in a bad way but in a way of "wow, this might be actually happening." :) So I am not sure what will happen and for some reason I have a huge peace about not going if it doesn't work out.  But I'm getting more and more nervous (if that's the word) about going mostly because it is in such a short time, it's Africa and I don't have time to process it all.  A lot of prayer is needed and I trust that God has a plan in all this.  They desperately need nurses there yet our nurse can't go without another woman and maybe if I'm just willing to go God will take care of everything else.  So that is my huge thing right now.  I think if there was more time it would be easier but most of these trips happen really quickly depending on the locals who do not plan months ahead with certain things.

So if you will, please pray for me that God would prepare me to go in every way if I'm supposed to go and for this specific short term mission so that they are able to send a team whoever it is and that God's name will be glorified in all of it.  


      

spelling bee

Funny how you go from a "failure" to something positive in just a few days.  Kade is pretty smart, likes to read and can spell really well.  I knew he could but I didn't think he was one of the top spellers in his class.  A couple weeks ago the whole 5th grade class which is about  130 kids or so had a spelling bee test and Kade was one of the top 6 kids.  I was really proud when I found out.  But Kade wasn't too happy because it meant he had to go to a spelling bee competition in our town for 5-8th graders which was tonight.  He didn't want to go but both Ehren and I told him how this is such a good opportunity for him and it doesn't matter at all how he does, just getting there means a lot.  So he did go and I think he was more ok with it because his friend Cade (the only other C/Kade he's met) was also going. 

I have to admit I was really nervous for him, but that's nothing new because like my mom I got the nervousness and living the pain that our kids go thru. :)  There were about 6 kids from each grade and the first two rounds were pretty easy words but some of the kids got eliminated right away.  For some reason, Kade got hard words every single time and he surprised me with a couple of them and I think I would even mess them up if I was up there. :) I already forgot what they were but I was like "oh no, he's done" in my head but he did so great!  Kason and Anika were cheering for him and they were so sweet watching their big brother.  One of the kids in the first round got a word "Tuesday" and Kason goes: "What?  That is too easy!" :)   Kade stuck in there for about 4 or 5 rounds until there were just 6 kids total left.  Only one other 5th grader was still in and she got eliminated the same round Kade did.  After that they started some seriously weird words which no one should be allowed to know how to spell :) so poor Kade was out but with a head held high.  I was so proud of him for doing it and not just that but for doing so good.

He told me later he wasn't even nervous much, only at the beginning.  My boy is growing up. :)  I'm so glad God gave him something positive after the basketball disappointment, something to feel proud about and boost his confidence.  Everything bad can be turned into something good and even though he's still bummed that he can't play basketball I can almost see it is making him grow up and mature in a way.  I am hoping he is like me and a little disappointment won't stop him but instead will drive him to go further and try harder.

It was a good day and now our evenings/weekends are wide open too because of no basketball practices and games which means more family time and I'll take that.  Now if it would just warm up a little for my birthday. :)
   

my princess

In the light of this freezing cold weather, we're starting to deal with stomach flu.  Kason had it Friday but he got over it the same day and then Anika started throwing up early this morning.  Poor girl seems so sensitive to bugs like that and every time she gets something like that it takes a good hold of her.  So we spent today together.  We did some reading and some math but she was almost too weak to hold a pencil, poor girl.  Just around bed time she woke up from a little nap and it was so good to see her doing a little better.  She ate a few crackers and went back to sleep and so far she hasn't thrown it up. :)

Anika had a big day on Friday.  Her and Emily have been going to a classical dance together and this last Friday they had their big recital.  Anika was so excited about it and could hardly wait.  It was a busy week of pictures one night, rehearsal another night and finally the program another night.  I have to admit it is not my cup of tea.  Not that I don't enjoy some dancing or learning some moves, but all that ballerina and princess stuff, the outfits and flowers is a bit too girly for me.  When I was a little girl mom made me wear skirts and dresses and I hated every minute of it. :)  I was a tom boy and sweat pants or jeans and T shirts was all I wanted to wear.  And Ehren could tell you just how many years it took me to come out of the "sweatpants" stage. :) 

So anyway, I just realized now that just because I loved boy stuff and tough sports when I was young that is not who Anika is.  She is girly and gentle and sweet and I need to embrace it about her.  And for the most part I do appreciate what she's like but when it comes to these dance classes it takes me a bit longer.  After the recital Ani was pretty down and I knew why.  She told me she didn't want it to be done, that she loves dance the most.  In my mind I was a bit relieved it was done and was actually thinking we wouldn't sign up for dance again next year but seeing how much she loves it, it is really hard to push her into something else.  And so, I want to be more open to the girly girl I have at least for now when she's little but she better not be too eager to be grow up. :)  The interesting thing is that she is so excited to be on the stage and has a big smile on her face yet so far at every singing performance at school she gets so shy and emotional she cries and hates being on the stage.  So it must be something about the dancing or moving or who knows what because for some reason she doesn't get stage freight.  Talking to Jessica (Emily's mom) was pretty funny because she was telling me how Emily hated putting on the dress for the recital and was saying how she hates dance and never wants to do it again. :) Probably what I would have said at her age.  Somehow I think she mostly wanted to be in dance because Anika did, they're so close.  But as they're getting older and interested in different things I think it's ok to do separate activities.  Ani is my little princess and she loves to dance.  Even if she's not natural at it and has a hard time with some coordination it doesn't mean she should stop.  Her big smile says it all to me and I love her to pieces.

the cold and the disappointment

Well, we are having another windshield advisory day today, with temperatures so low the school is cancelled again.  We've had more snow days this year than we've ever had and it feels like the kids are barely learning anything.  Today I am wishing I had the teachers' lesson plans so I could do it at home with the kids.  They're saying the kids will have to make up days they missed in June, but really that will not help them with learning because by then they're not tackling any new lessons or anything.  So I need to find my own work sheets and ideas for them to do.  Mostly, we all just want it to get warmer so we can be outside, not to mention so we don't have to put all our extra money towards heating.  It is getting pretty bad for some people because there is shortage of propane, the prices are way up and just yesterday they were telling people to use the minimum of the natural gas because there was an explosion in Canada and now they don't have enough gas for everyone.  So a really fun winter for everyone. :)

Kade's basketball got done this weekend.  That was the regular season and they were going to announce the "traveling" team yesterday which is a big deal because you get to have more practices and games until March.  It just blows my mind that they have 13 boys on the team and they cut 3 of them out so they only have 10 for the traveling team when they could easily just take turns playing the game.  But despite that, Kade was doing so well this year.  Yes, he's one of the shortest kids but he's fast and athletic and at least 5 boys were evidently worse players than him and several boys are about the same as him.  So he was so excited about having a chance of being in the traveling team and I was excited for him because last year they didn't pick him.  So the time came when they announced it on the web site and I could not believe my eyes.  Kade was eliminated again!  I was so upset, way more than Kade actually. :)  I just could not understand and still can't how the coaches can be that unfair.  Anyone that has eyes and watched those boys play a game could see that Kade belonged in the team.  I have no words.  This basketball group is made of volunteer coaches which are the dads of the kids in basketball and pretty much if your dad is not a coach or are not good friends with the coach, your chances of getting into a team are very slim.  And that is so sad and makes me really angry at the same time.  But, there's nothing we can do.  I let the coach and the main person know about how I felt at least and he did not deny that it wasn't fair so they know it too and don't care.  My heart just breaks for Kade who tried so hard and could see he's better than those boys yet he didn't make it.  How do you explain it to a 10 year old?  Life is not fair and never will and I'm just praying that this is a good lesson for him to learn.  In the end, I really hope he never quits trying.  I hope he keeps fighting for what he loves doing and for what he believes in.  Even if nobody out there believes in him.