nightmare

A good thing about nightmares is that they are just nightmares. :)  I don't usually have vivid dreams unless I'm pregnant (I'm NOT by the way) and I think that's why when I have one it hits me hard.  It feels very real and I can play the dream over and over in my head after I wake up.

Last night I had the scariest saddest dream I've had in years.  I was running outside along with our kids, in a big hurry somewhere, and I think Emily was there too.  Kason was last and he was trying to carry all his stuff while running.  I probably got that image because I always have to be on him to get ready to go, to have everything he needs for school and stuff so we can get out the door.  Anyway, there was a river and we were running across a bridge over it.  All the kids were in front of me when I look back to yell at Kason to hurry up and catch up to us.  I remember seeing him struggle with his school shoes as he's running on the bridge and one of them flies out of his arms, right to the river.  I'm not sure what kind of railing there was on the bridge but Kason leaned down to get his shoe as it was falling and I just have an image of his little body going across the railing into the deep river.  My heart just stopped right there as I yelled and ran to the river bank, trying to run with the current.  I remember how I was yelling out for him and all I wanted to do was to swim in there but I knew I couldn't swim in the freezing water and the other kids were left by themselves on the bridge.  After that I don't remember much other than frantically calling 911 and Ehren and just yelling out for Kason, with no sign of him anywhere.  I woke up with tears running down my cheeks and even more awful feeling.  Somehow though I drifted back to sleep a little because I was at a different place, somewhere public, soon after this happened and a guy was holding a gun to me.  A strange guy next to me did something he wasn't supposed to and the shooter shot him dead right there, as kind of a warning to me.  And I distinctly remember how I didn't feel anything at that moment.  I wasn't scared or anything and I told the shooter what just happened to me and how if he shot me it would not have mattered.  And somehow I ended up witnessing to him because he was so impressed by my story or something.  That's all I remember because I was so disturbed after that I couldn't sleep anymore and it was almost time to wake up anyway. :)

So a pretty morbid dream which never happens to me and just an awful feeling to wake up to.  Kason is our only child that every single day when he wakes up the first thing he does is he runs to me to hug and hold me for a while.  I always love his hugs and "I love you, mom"  but this morning it felt like the best gift ever and it almost brought me to tears that it was all just a dream and my beautiful loving boy is still here.  Makes you really stop in your tracks and appreciate every little smile, kiss, word and everything.  Thank you God for this reminder in a different way today.  And maybe this means I need to stop getting after Kason as we're trying to get out the door in the morning. :)