awake

It is still pretty early for bed but the whole family is asleep.  Ehren has been under the weather so he went to bed early.  I should be joining him but I like the quietness of the house and plus I am so congested and feel like coughing every 2 minutes which makes it hard to fall asleep.

Today I told the last parent about me quitting daycare after summer is over and it stunk.  It is so hard for me to say it because my heart breaks for them having to find a new daycare which is so hard to find in our small town and so I just quick said what I had to say.  If I kept talking about it, I don't think I could avoid getting emotional.  It also helped that this particular dad doesn't ever say much and the last few months I haven't even seen the mom because she works nights as a nurse.  Probably out of all the kids I watch I worry about little Carson the most.  I know he has caring parents and grand parents but just being born to an unwed couple makes for a hard childhood in my head.  I feel like I've been with him through so many stages, watching him since he was just a 4 months old baby.  He will be 3 years old next month so it's a good chunk of a little child's life.  It will be hard not knowing who is taking care of him, does he get enough attention, is he happy there....  It's crazy but somehow I think unconsciously I tried to not get too attached emotionally to these little daycare kids of mine because you never know how long I'd watch them for and I thought that would make this easier on me.  But the truth is I don't think it can ever be easy to say good bye to kids that I bottle fed, changed, rocked, watched crawl and walk for the first time, that called me "momma", that I comforted when they got hurt, that were my little grocery shopping buddies, and so on.  It is just hard and maybe with him it feels even more so because I know I won't see him anymore, other than if I accidentally run into him in town.  With my nieces and other kids I watch I'll still see them around so it will be ok and I can watch them grow but I won't see him grow up.  Maybe in a way it's like what teachers have to do a lot.  They have their students for a year and I'm sure there are many of them that they are sad to let go.

So I'm just reminiscing a little tonight about what it's been like the last 5 years or so.  Funny how it can be so scary to quit what we're comfortable with and start something brand new.  I know I need to do it but change is hard sometime. :)  I pray it's a good change for me and the kiddos and that God will watch over all the little ones that called our home their daycare and that at some point called me their momma.