The Marriage You Always Wanted

What is the marriage you always wanted?  Is it what you have?  Quite honestly, I am hesitant to even write about this because I am not sure how many people are reading this, but it's just been on my heart and something I know someone else can relate to.

Recently I talked to a friend who's going through a difficult time in their marriage and it made me think of how few people really share their difficulty in marriage, especially at church.  It's like a taboo thing to talk about because, after all, we are supposed to have it all together and stay together till death do us apart.  But as the world around us is getting further away from the God's design of marriage, a lot of Christian couples are getting divorced.  And I believe the main reason, the number one reason is that they didn't trust anyone to talk about their problems.  They couldn't share about their hard times until it was way too late and one or both of them have given up.  It saddens me to see it happening and to see so many people giving up so soon and so many people not being approachable enough about their friends' problems (including me).

I have to make a confession.  In case you didn't know, my marriage is not perfect. :)  In fact, it is the very opposite of it at times.  Ehren and I had a pretty rocky start to our life together and just combining two totally different worlds and cultures it surely hasn't been a walk through a garden of roses.  Somehow though, we pulled through every obstacle in our way, even though we really haven't had any major crises happen to us like you hear about every day.  Yet, a marriage doesn't need a big health crises or a loss of someone or something to fall apart.  It's all around us and so many people just ignore their marriage is going the wrong direction.  Ehren and I couldn't ignore it last year.  Something pretty bad happened between us and that was it.  A lot of hurt and past ignorances came alive and we had a choice.  We were either going to work it out or grow very far apart.  Working it out just between him and I didn't work though.  We kept talking about all the important issues but we were both full of hurt and every time just ended up crying.  That is when we finally went to talk to a counselor and I was very thankful Ehren agreed to come with me.  It was very hard at first but after just a few months our marriage made a huge turn.  We have been going through a book called "the marriage you always wanted" and even though it's an older book it really helped us look at what matters most in marriage.  It is so hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel when you're in the midst of the darkness but what you get when you get out is so beautiful and lovely.  Kind of like the saying "you can't have a rainbow without getting rained on first."  The rainbow of marriage that comes after the rain must be my favorite part of life and every time I can't help but be in awe of God and how perfectly he designed us as men and women to share our life with.

I really think we are at a stage right now that is so critical and so exhausting and difficult as far as the season of marriage goes.  Having small children, figuring out how to raise them right, how to lead them to God, how to keep our own friendships from slipping away, how to stay connected with our spouse, how to find time for each other during the busy week, how to manage our finances and make the right health and financial choices - it's just too much sometimes.  I know there are so many tired moms out there right now who feel like they can't do any more in a day and then by the time their husbands come home from work they're supposed to be all lovey dovey to them.  And the husbands have so much responsibilities all day, at home, at work, at church and yet when they get home they are just being ordered around.  But, if we are intentional in our marriages just like in everything else we do, we stay connected and close and more in love than when we got married.  It is very nice to talk the talk but to actually walk it every single day, even during that time of the month, or during those overly stress-filled days, is something else.  I shamefully fall way too often, but at the same time I am so thankful to have a husband who reaches out his hand and pulls me up.  It is a never ending journey but I know that giving our kids at least a glimpse of  what a Godly marriage is like, it is so worth it.  I've been also thinking recently about the part that this is a critical time for our marriage in terms of focusing on each other in the midst of taking care of our children.  It is so easy for couples to revolve their lives around the kids as they're growing up, their activities and their friends, that our relationship with spouses gets pushed back until one day (which is not that far away) the kids go off to college and we are left alone without much in common.  I don't want to be one of those couples who's trying to pick up the broken pieces after years of neglect and ignorance.  I want my husband to come before the kids, before the business of life, before the cleaning, cooking, laundry, errands running, etc.    

Next weekend Ehren and I are going to a marriage conference called a "weekend to remember," from Family Life Today.  I kind of pushed for signing up for it while we were still on a bumpy side because I thought it could bring us even closer together.  Now I am so excited and it's funny because the closer it gets the less I am excited about the conference and the more I am excited about a whole weekend alone with Ehren.  It's been so long since we did that and just the thought of a drive to the cities with no kids in the back seat is making me smile.  We both know it is very important for our marriage to get away once in a while even though we can't do longer trips yet.  We trade babysitting with friends and that way we both can go on a long date once a month.  That helps a lot when you're on a budget but no matter what, spending time alone together is essential for marriage to grow and flourish.  I pray that we never lose that, that we can grow old together and be more in love than ever and that we get to see our children one day grow in their Godly marriages.

So I hope and pray that your marriage is all you want it to be right where you are.  And if it isn't, know that you are not alone and it's never late for it to be all you imagined it to be when you said your "I Do" - and much much more.