embracing it...

There were no calls this week at all.  On one hand it feels frustrating and I'm just waiting for the phone to ring and on another hand I know this is how it is at the beginning.  Everyone says it gets crazy later and after this week I really hope it does.  I finally e-mailed a volunteer coordinator at the school who I know will plug me in to volunteer at the Elementary school.  I already have a "job" next week.  Since I'm not subbing though, I might as well be productive and help in different classrooms or library and at least it gives me a chance to get to know more people there.

I started out this week feeling really down about it, especially because I feel guilty about not making any money and contributing to our family.  We are actually surprisingly fine without my income, except for the extra big expenses that come our way like filling up our propane tank for the winter or a big dental bill that's due which makes it pretty tight.  And that makes me worry about this or that happening. 

But yesterday as I was crying out to God it's like I could feel Him telling me "It's ok.  This is where I want you, this is where your kids need you.  I'll take care of you."  And I realized it is so true.  After all these years of daycare and me having a full-time job before that I am finally able to stay home and just focus on our home and our kids.  This morning when the kids were getting ready for school and it was quiet and peaceful I had to smile and it hit me.  This is how my life should be, I am supposed to be the nurturer of our kids and be there for them when they come home from school.  Just the last few weeks I can tell such a huge difference in how much calmer our house is.  I'm not the stressed out mom I know so well who yells at her kids all the time just because there's no time for anything.  Now I have the time to clean up the house, to bake something yummy for kids when they get home, to make a good dinner, to give the kids full attention and focus when they get home and that is just priceless to me right now.  Kids will grow up before we know it and I don't want them to remember having a crabby and stressed out mom when they most needed her.  Even though they're in school now they still need their mom very much, sometimes even more so in the preteen years which can be so lonely and confusing. 

So I decided I'm going to embrace this new stage.  Instead of pouting about nobody calling me to sub, I can find joy in providing a warm and loving home for our kids and for my husband to come home to, and I get to spend time with them and cherish the moments we have together like never before.  Yes, it is sacrificing some luxuries and being very strict with our budget but in the end, this is what matters most and is something no money can buy.  And my marriage and kids are worth all of it and more.