Mother Language

I've been thinking about writing about this for a while, mainly to just sort through my thoughts about it because it is a very emotional subject for me.  Seems like as the time goes by it gets easier but when I am really faced with it like I am right now, it always comes back and I feel like a huge failure.

Of course, what I'm talking about is my mother language - Slovak.  Ever since I knew I was getting married to an American and later moving here, I thought an obvious thing for me to do was to teach our kids my mother language.  I am a very goal oriented person and when I set a goal I need to accomplish it and sadly, this might be one of the few big ones I miserably failed at.  It makes me cry when I start thinking about it and I feel like the worst mother ever, but to tell you the truth it is harder than I ever thought it would be.  First, the issue is that I am all alone speaking Slovak.  There is no friend or family to talk to which makes a world of difference.  When my mom comes for a visit the whole thing turns 180 degrees and I am able to speak Slovak to the kids so much easier.  They listen to me and my mom talk and they pick up so much that way.  And then she leaves and I'm back to square one.  Every time I think I'll just keep going with it but every time I slip back into English way too fast.  I also feel like I don't know anyone who understands what it's like, to be the only one speaking a certain language and not having family closer.

But I know the main reason is that I am just not a talker.  My parents had to dig words out of me growing up and now Ehren has to dig in order for me to start talking.  :)  Of course, I can have spells when I won't shut up, but that doesn't happen very much.  And I really think that it affects my ability to teach our kids another language because it is harder for me than other people to just keep talking which is what kids really need to get the language.  Just someone who would talk their ears off and I am just not wired for it.  I've read some articles on multi-language homes to try to get some ideas on how to do it right and one suggestion was to say every sentence to the kids twice.  Once in Slovak and then translate it to English.  Well, I tried this again and again and I can never stick to it and after just a multiple of translations I give up.  After all, if I have a hard time saying much in English, saying everything twice would be almost impossible for me. :)  But I know that is just an excuse, an easy way out saying I'm just not good at it.  I don't ever want to think that way because it doesn't make me grow as a person and as a mom.  I know the most effective way would be to have our kids spend time each year in Slovakia but that won't happen either because of the cost of that.  So I am not quite sure how to accomplish this.  Maybe I need to look at it as a daily challenge and instead of trying to go big right away I need to just do tiny steps and remind myself it's ok to do little bit at a time, like teaching them simple words in Slovak versus the whole phrases or sentences.

Well, I am about to go to Slovakia with Anika in 4 days and thoughts about this once again creep into my head because truthfully I am embarrassed that Ani is not going to understand her cousins.  I know she won't care and she'll still have fun with everyone but I care.  So I think the only thing for me to do is to get up every day and try harder.  Now is the time to do that, not 10 years from now when it will be their choice to try to learn it.  But at the same time I know I have to give grace to myself about it and forgive my shortcomings in this area or else I'll always feel bad about it.  It is more important for our kids to know that I love them unconditionally no matter what language I speak to them.  It makes my heart smile that Kade still can't go to sleep without me and him saying to each other "dobru noc, lubim ta" which means "good night, I love you."  To him, it is our special greeting that only we have and I love that.

My first tiny step (one I've done many times before) for today is to go over the flash cards that show pictures and the kids have to remember the Slovak word for it.  Kade can actually read the Slovak word I wrote on it but the little kids can't read so they just go by memory.  Hopefully this time we can progress from there.  At least Anika will when we're in Slovakia but I need to stick with it once I'm back.  My hope is that writing this out will remind me to do it daily, little by little, and will remind me of how important it is for me.